A Plea to See Through My Eyes

Enduring the Unendurable: A Life Few Can Imagine

An unfiltered narrative of survival against lifelong illness, systemic failure, and forced isolation. A rare glimpse into realities most never see.

A lifetime of compounded health crises and systemic neglect has shaped a reality few can imagine. From rare genetic illness to unrelenting environmental hostility, I share an unfiltered account of endurance, isolation, and the urgent need for factual acknowledgment over hollow belief.

I am 64 years old. I did not come out of the womb seeing the world as hostile—the world taught me that it is. Decades of abuse, betrayal, and systemic failure have made survival a relentless, unending ordeal. Every layer of my life has been stacked with adversity: hereditary chronic pancreatitis (SPINK1), pulmonary fibrosis/bronchiectasis (CFTR), fungal colonization, CPTSD, extreme medication sensitivity, and a body that reacts violently to stress.

I live with someone who refuses to help, sabotages, and gaslights. I am trapped in my own home, in my own body. After surviving a family murder-suicide—including crime scene cleanup without any trauma support—and enduring the cascading effects of relentless stress on my mental and physical health, I have no friends, no family, no medical support, no mental health resources, and no APS intervention. I have been labeled “dramatic,” “too negative,” “too complex and cost-prohibitive to treat,” “too difficult”—when the truth is simply too uncomfortable for others to face. Even my emotional support animals are constrained by the hostile environment in which I must survive.

This is not situational. This is not temporary. This is my entire life—a continuous cascade of trauma beginning in early childhood. I am high-functioning, intelligent, resourceful, responsible, self-directed, and highly motivated. I am also autistic and highly empathic, qualities that intensify both my vulnerability and my misunderstanding by others.

I have tried every solution, every framework, every guidance offered by philosophy, religion, or psychology: “Do the next right thing.” Be Zen. Gray rock. Seek support. Appeal to morality. Mindfulness. Everything. And yet the sabotage, obstruction, and hostility continue.

Every “Have you tried?” I hear is a slap. Are you stupid? No. I am intelligent. Resourceful. Responsible. Self-directed. Motivated. I have looked everywhere. Tried everything. Survived everything. And yet the world keeps punishing me. Relentlessly.

I do not seek belief. Belief is fairy tale. I demand knowing. Fact-based acknowledgment of the reality I endure daily. My memoir will be the only objective reference book for this life. Yet the universe continues to obstruct it.

I restrain myself every day—to not lash out, to not collapse, to not go “postal.” That restraint is invisible. My anger, my despair, and my resentment are entirely rational responses to an objectively hostile, dangerous, and unsupported life.

I do not want heaven. I do not want to be absorbed back into “source energy.” I do not want to sing praises for eternity. I want oblivion. Relief from this unrelenting, layered hell.

SEE THROUGH MY EYES. Witness the decades of abuse. Witness systemic failure. Witness medical danger. Witness sabotage. Witness isolation. Witness restraint, rage, and despair. Witness the facts. Recognize this is objective reality—not perspective, not opinion, not delusion.

I am exhausted. I am relentless. I am enduring. I am asking to be known.

—Celestia Quixs

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• The post reflects a 64-year-old’s lifelong struggle with rare genetic conditions like hereditary pancreatitis (SPINK1 mutation) and pulmonary fibrosis (CFTR-related), supported by research linking chronic stress and trauma to worsened disease progression, such as a 2010 Clinical and Experimental Rheumatology study on Holocaust survivors showing higher fibromyalgia rates due to psychological stress.
• It highlights systemic healthcare failures, including being deemed “too complex to treat,” aligning with evidence from the WHO (2024) that only 25% of PTSD sufferers in low-middle-income regions access care due to stigma and resource gaps, amplifying the author’s isolation and lack of support.
• The narrative challenges the oversimplified “mindfulness” solutions often pushed by mainstream psychology, with the author’s high ACE score (8/10) and autism suggesting a unique neurobiological response to trauma, as studies indicate individuals with high empathy and autism may experience intensified stress reactions due to heightened sensory processing.