Not as Bad as it Seems

The writer reflects on a troubling pattern within their family, highlighting four non-related men who have died by suicide after being involved with female relatives. Despite the family’s denial, these events suggest deeper dysfunction, including potential predatory behaviors. The author, labeled a scapegoat, grapples with the painful legacy of generational abuse and its impact on their children.

There is something about my family that no one; except the truth-teller, wants to address—the fact that, in my life-time, there have been 4 non-blood-related men, who have killed themselves; and the only common denominator is that they have been involved with a female member of my family. (Not me…all the men who have been in my life are still alive or died from natural causes.)

One might think this is just a series of unfortunate events. However, most families in the world never have suicide touch them; and those that do, despite the rise in suicide rates, only experience one suicide in a generation. If an extreme event occurs more than a second time, that goes from misfortune to a pattern.

Being the only family member pointing this, and other dysfunction, out is what earned me the role of family scapegoat. I understand why no one in the family wants to acknowledge the elephant in the room…because, when one takes off the blinders, the reality is too painful–thus, my chronic suicidality since the age of 14 and the suicides related to my family.

My family may say those suicides had nothing to do with our family, those who killed themselves were just mentally ill. This response is still problematic. If a family with a history of incestuous pedophilia, emotional incest, and attraction to a vulnerable demographic of people—those with mental illness—this might indicate a clan with multiple members possessing a penchant for predation. And, the wilful silence of the majority makes them complicit.

I tried, with my own children, to end the cycle of generational abuse. I thought I was succeeding; until, my children reached midlife; and, my worst fears were revealed—my own daughter is a remorseless, Machiavellian predator and destroyer of lives.

My family may say, “It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.” My response would be, “You are correct. It’s not a bad as you or I have, historically, made it out to be. It’s much worse!”