Relationship Accounting

Unveiling the Hidden Truths

This essay exposes the concealed patterns of abuse within a relationship, highlighting the disparity between public perception and private reality. It underscores the importance of recognizing and addressing toxic behaviors that often go unnoticed.

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Early Warnings and Hidden Realities

When John and I first started dating, his best friend, Darren, took me aside and warned me, “Do NOT hurt him!” Too bad no one ever cared about John hurting me. Yes, you have all seen John’s “good guy” side; but, you did NOT see what went on behind closed doors.

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Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Property Damage

When I had my mental “breakdown” in November 1992, only four months after we got married, you saw a “great guy” stepping up as parent while I was in the hospital. You saw a “great guy” working while his wife was on State Disability Insurance. You didn’t see the Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) that resulted in over $1,000 of property damage from punched and kicked walls. You didn’t see him in a fit of rage shattering an irreplaceable antique gravy boat my grandfather had given me. He didn’t see him punch and destroy two Sega game controllers out of frustration. You didn’t see him throwing small appliances across the room as a substitute outlet when she told him he was not allowed to damage their second apartment in 1995. You didn’t see him, in 1999, shattering the driver’s side window of her car, slamming the car door out of anger that his GERD pills fell out of the car onto the parking lot and scattered.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder is associated with repeated episodes of aggressive outbursts, often leading to property damage and interpersonal harm (Mayo Clinic, 2024).

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Child Abuse and Emotional Harm

You didn’t see him shoving and slapping my daughter. You didn’t see him making fun of her “fat ass” when she was already upset that boys at middle school were doing the same thing. You didn’t see him punching my daughter’s bed right next to her face as “discipline.” You didn’t see him demeaning my son for being skinny and depressed.

Physical and emotional abuse in childhood has long-term psychological effects, including anxiety, depression, and complex trauma (American Psychological Association, 2023).

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Sexual, Financial, and Caregiving Coercion (1993–1996)

You didn’t see him objectifying his wife, who was dealing with emotional trauma and knowing part of that trauma was rape by her first husband, by grabbing her breast and telling her it was his. You didn’t see him refusing to take “STOP” as an answer during sexual encounters she didn’t even want. You didn’t see him refuse, after being fired in 1993, to get a job when she begged him to; so, they could afford their baby that was on the way. You didn’t see that, instead of cutting his hair to get a job with UPS, he coerced her into scheduling an abortion. You didn’t see that, when she had a miscarriage before the abortion appointment, he let her grieve alone, saying to her, “To me the baby was already dead. I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about it.”

You also didn’t see that, after a four-day hospital stay for a life-threatening episode of acute pancreatitis in 1996, he refused to be her caregiver during her recovery, failing to lift a finger with household chores, balking at even the simplest tasks like making her some jello for her restricted diet, while she laid on the couch still in excruciating pain, forcing her to get up and fend for herself.

Failure to provide support to a partner recovering from a serious medical condition is considered caregiver neglect and can exacerbate physical and emotional trauma (NCBI, 2019).

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Supporting Him Despite Abuse

She returned to work before she had fully recovered from her mental breakdown to support the family, because John got himself fired. She took no days off to grieve after the miscarriage. She supported him through his two years of unemployment, giving him an allowance to help his self-esteem.

She tried to get her children and him into family counseling in 1997 to work through household tension; he refused, saying she was the problem. She switched antidepressants to keep him satisfied, tried marital counseling in 1998, and in 1999 gave him the choice of divorce or anger management classes—he quit after two weeks. She gave him her used Nissan Sentra, handled their combined debt and property damage, and did not ask for alimony when he filed for divorce in 2005.

Research shows that partners often continue to provide support even in abusive relationships, a phenomenon linked to trauma bonding and the hope of reconciliation (Psychology Today, 2022).

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Post-Divorce Abuse and Caretaking Exploitation

She maintained a friendship, loaned him money in 2019, and gave him a vehicle and $2,000 in 2021 to help him transition from Pandemic Unemployment Assistance back to work.

After her health deteriorated following a family murder/suicide in January 2019, she faced denial of mental health services by 25 clinics citing “Medicare Panel Full,” and abandonment by family and friends. He moved in at her request in October 2021 to provide caregiver support but refused to apply for work. By December 2021, he called himself a “slave”, despite her getting him on the County payroll for providing in-home supportive services, and admitted to committing a federal felony, putting her lease at risk, leading to him being kicked out.

Coercive control and abuse in post-divorce caregiving situations is recognized as a form of ongoing domestic abuse (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2023).

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Retaliation and Housing Exploitation

She received a retaliatory dismissal letter from an entire physician’s network in November 2021, while facing housing insecurity after the Panasonic lithium battery plant explosions in November 2022 made her home uninhabitable. John invited her to move in to prevent homelessness, promising to make amends, but instead resumed abusive behaviors from March 2023 onward. These included threats of physical violence, blocking doors, manipulating access to food, and repeated violations of a signed roommate agreement from November 2024. He even paraded around the apartment naked.

Domestic abuse in cohabitation arrangements is covered under landlord-tenant and ADA protections (HUD, 2023).

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Withholding Rent as Self-Protection

THIS is why I began withholding my share of the rent in September 2025. I REFUSE to PAY to be abused and I am using that $$ to get out of here as soon as possible. And, I am within my legal rights to do so under landlord/tenant law and ADA mandates. So, if he wants to whine to the people who think he is a good guy and say I’m being unfair, read this essay again and tell me who is, has been, and likely always will be unfair.

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References

U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development. (2023). Fair Housing and ADA Protections. Retrieved from https://www.hud.gov/program_offices/fair_housing_equal_opp/

Mayo Clinic. (2024). Intermittent Explosive Disorder: Symptoms and Causes. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373747

American Psychological Association. (2023). Child Abuse and Neglect. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/child-abuse

National Center for Biotechnology Information. (2019). Caregiver Neglect and Trauma. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6918512/

Psychology Today. (2022). Domestic Violence and Trauma Bonding. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/domestic-violence

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2023). Statistics on Domestic Violence. Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/statistics

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• The concept of “Relationship Accounting” in the post likely draws from sociologist Viviana Zelizer’s theory of relational earmarking, where individuals assign meaning to financial and emotional exchanges in relationships, a framework supported by a 2016 study in the American Journal of Cultural Sociology that highlights how such practices can reveal hidden dynamics like abuse or toxicity.
• The post’s focus on the gap between public perception and private reality aligns with evidence from domestic violence research, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s 2023 data showing 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner violence, often concealed behind curated social facades.
• Mental health awareness campaigns, like those referenced by the post’s hashtags, have gained traction post-COVID-19, with a 2021 CDC study noting a 40% increase in anxiety and depression rates, underscoring the timeliness of addressing trauma and abuse survivors’ experiences.