The Predictable Cycle of Domestic Psychabuse

Why Holidays Are Used as Weapons

A raw, firsthand account of the cyclical nature of domestic abuse and how special occasions are weaponized to dismantle happiness and maintain control within a relationship.

I get treated poorly by someone outside the home, and because I am isolated, I seek support from my partner—only to realize I am trapped in a cycle of manipulation and financial dependency. From the false security of gifts to the inevitable ruin of holidays, this is the reality of how abusers ensure you cannot be happy. A raw look at the predictable patterns of psychological abuse and the escalation that follows when you dare to point them out.

1. I get treated poorly by someone outside the home.
2. Because I am isolated and have only my partner to rely on for emotional support, I seek it from them.
3. I back down from being unhappy with them and realize I should be grateful they have never left me.
4. I thank them and praise them for putting up with ME! When, we both know in reality, I have been putting up with THEM; but, am in too poor of a financial state, after covering for their irresponsibility, that I cannot leave and have to make the best of this bad situation.
5. They give me a gift.
6. I am lulled into a false sense of security…again.
7. They are at work. I text a request they bring home something I need from the store. They ask if I can wait until tomorrow, subtly downplaying the importance of my needs.
8. I’ve been here before, today is Thanksgiving, and they have a penchant for ruining special occasions and making me look like the antagonist. I’m now angry; because, I see the dance coming full-circle. I call and, with a resentful tone in my voice, say, “You’re going to the store anyway, you don’t have to put my needs off until tomorrow.”
9. He YELLS that he’s already been to the store and dropped things off while I was taking a nap and that he’s not putting off my needs. I hang up the phone because of the yelling.
10. I call back and, now I’m yelling, “We’ve been getting along just fine for a few days. Now, today is Thanksgiving and you just have to try to ruin it…subtly, at first, and then out loud. You can shove your Thanksgiving dinner up your ass! Oh, and we need toilet paper, too. So you can get what I need while you’re fulfilling OUR need for butt-wipe tissue!” And, I hang up again.
11. Now, they’re going to sulk the rest of the day and ask what’s wrong with ME.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, you know holidays are one of the best weapons they use against you. As I’ve been told, out loud in words and through the actions of abusers, “We can’t have you being happy around here.”

***After reading this to him, he tried to argue with me. I shouted repeatedly for him to shut up. That’s when, in a fit of rage, he threw and pulled a punch within a fraction of an inch of my face.

Yesterday, he told me he loves me. Today, this is how we ‘celebrate’ Thanksgiving.