The High Cost of Integrity

When Social Contracts Fail and Wells Run Dry

A candid reflection on navigating systemic dysfunction and personal tragedy. When a lifetime of self-reliance meets a world of conditional compassion, the result is a profound search for meaning amidst total depletion.

“The world we live in is a world where love, compassion, patience, and tolerance all come with an agenda. After a lifetime of paying that price forward, I have found that everyone—both personally and systemically—is bankrupt. This is a reflection on the shattering of the social contract, the inadequacy of ‘support,’ and what remains when you have finally given everything you had to give.”

Celestia Quixs

What others outside of my head don’t get

I have been self-sufficient and self-reliant and self-responsible and self-disciplined since I was a toddler. I had to be and I rose to the need and expectation. I developed my intelligence and many skills. I gave others everything I wanted myself. I was compassionate, patient, and tolerant.

Yes, there were times when, in reaction to disappointment, I deviated from being perfect. I am human. But, I have always been held to a higher standard than those around me, both by them and myself.

Up until the family murder/suicide, I accepted things had always been unfair; because, that’s just how life is. I accepted that, to be the bigger person, to take the high road, and all that triteness was what it took to be a good person. And, I believed that those I cared about would eventually value me for the worth I know I have.

After the family murder/suicide, all of the injustices and unfairness I’ve been accepting in my life came flooding forward and I realized there will never be any reward or restitution for any of it. This has been a huge blow to my psyche and I have been reaching out for help in dealing with it—family, friends, adult children, acquaintances, people from my past, mental health providers, medical providers, ministers, crisis lines, public experts— in that order and all to no avail. What I mean by “no avail” is that I have been told: I am the problem, I am too negative for anyone to want to associate with, I am making it all up, I am overreacting, I am just attention-seeking, I’m creating unnecessary drama, there is nothing wrong with me, I have a chemical imbalance, I need to look in the mirror, I need to be actively suicidal, and I must be a vulnerable narcissist.

Society says several things:

Be your authentic self.

Tell your story.

If you need help, ask for help.

They leave off part of each of those sentences. Here is the full message:

Be your authentic self, but, not like that.

Tell your story, but, don’t air your dirty laundry.

If you need help, ask for help, but only the kind we want and are able to give.

We are told masking is narcissistic. Masking is harmful to those who are autistic. We are told to tell the truth; but, white lies and lies of omission don’t count as lies. We are told that, when someone asks us for help, to ask them what they need, that helping someone the way WE want to help them, instead of the way THEY need, is not helpful.

So many pretty words and quotes and adages. No real action.

The world we live in is a world where love, compassion, patience, tolerance, and all that goes with it, all comes with an agenda. Nothing is unconditional. Nothing is purely good-intentioned. Everything comes at a price.

I’ve been paying that price forward my entire life. Now is the time I want to collect and everyone, everyone is bankrupt, literally and figuratively bankrupt. And, I have nothing left to give to anyone, including myself. I gave away all I had to give. There is no return on my investment, much less any interest.

No one visits a dry well. It sits alone, in isolation, with the wind blowing through it’s hollowness. Like that well, I crack and crumble. My cries are carried off with the wind and will fade into silence.