Healing from Narcissistic Family Dynamics

A Guide to Self-Love

Explore the journey of healing from narcissistic family dynamics. Learn to recognize traits, prioritize self-love, and embrace healthier relationships.

The author reflects on personal experiences as a codependent individual from a narcissistic family, emphasizing that recognizing narcissistic traits in oneself and others is essential for healing. They stress the importance of individual therapy before entering relationships, advocating for self-love and mutual respect. Familiarity with past trauma can lead to unhealthy patterns; thus, addressing one’s own issues is crucial.

I recently heard a motivational podcaster say, “Everyone in your life has been a freaking narcissist? Really? Maybe, it’s actually time for you to look in the mirror.”

Yes, really.

And, I’ll tell you why. Now, I’m no licensed mental health practitioner and I have no behavioral arts degree. I am speaking as a 62-year old, codependent, people-pleaser, family scapegoat from a narcissistic family of origin dynamic, who has Complex PTSD. I have years of experience with relationships and have done years of research to try to ‘fix’ myself. And, I will share with others like me what I’ve experienced and learned. I do this in order to help others know they are not alone and, while a person may have problems, no one is ever THE problem.

How in the world could EVERYONE in your life be a narcissist? Well, if you come from a narcissistic family dynamic, perhaps a parent was narcissistic, THIS is all you were used to growing up and, often times, even ongoing after you left home. The abuse you endured was normalized inside the family. THIS is what you came to know as ‘love’. No one outside the family, well maybe extended family, knew what was going on privately. All others outside the family saw was the ‘acceptable for public viewing’ version of the family. So, no one ever told you, despite your gut feeling, something was terribly wrong with your family.

As an adult, you gravitated toward the familiar in your relationships…not the comfortable, the familiar. Some may tell you that you are a ‘negativity/narcissist magnet. No, not really. You are more likely giving off vulnerability ‘tells’ that are picked up by predatory-types. Sometimes, those aren’t even that subtle. You might be so desperate to find someone you can actually trust that you share too much of your trauma too soon simply when someone shows an interest in you.

A healthy person would likely walk away from someone who info dumps a lot of negative personal history. A healthy person is not looking for a ‘fixer-upper’ project. They are looking for another healthy person to partner with. There are two types of people who would not automatically walk away: a genuinely good human who also needs to feel needed or a predator. Unfortunately, the person who needs to be needed is unhealthy, not as dangerous as the predatory-type; but, codependent and people-pleasing. A relationship with this type of person will be codependent and enmeshed with blurred boundaries…because of BOTH of you and your personality traits.

This in no way makes either of you bad or monstrous. It only makes you two humans with emotional holes they each need filled. Unfortunately, the longer both of you go unhealed by getting your own individual therapy, the more each of you will notice the narcissistic traits in the other. We all have them, maybe not to pathological degrees; but, we all have narcissistic traits. They’re meant for survival.

If you have Complex PTSD that was caused by a narcissistic family dynamic, you will be hyper-vigilant of narcissistic traits in others. In the beginning of a relationship, you will gaslight yourself and convince yourself you are being over-reactive. That’s what you’ve always been told about yourself by your FOO. Subconsciously, you know those traits are there. Aside from feeling familiar and equating it with love, there is a subconscious desire to ‘make it work’ with a narcissistic person; because, if you can make it work with them you will finally know YOU did not fail in the relationship with your narcissistic parent and you actually ARE lovable—it was your parent who had the inability to love.

Sadly, if the person you are with is an actual narcissist, you will NEVER make it work with them. And if the person only has some narcissistic traits, unless you are already relatively healed yourself, the longer your relationship goes on the less and less you will be able to tolerate the narcissistic traits. This is even more true if you are in therapy during the relationship and they are not. You will eventually feel resentful that you are doing all of the work and that the relationship is lopsided.

You are not to blame for this. Neither is your partner, if they are not a person with actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The truth is, you are not yet relationship material. And, if your partner only became defensive when you brought up their poor behavior or, if your fights were mostly about your feelings, they are not yet relationship material, either.

The sad truth is, more than healthy people, there are way more humans with issues who were raised by parents with issues who were never taught what it means to be self-responsible enough to have the foresight to work through personal issues BEFORE getting into a relationship. The adage is “GROW together” NOT “heal together”. It’s a really bad idea for two people with serious issues to live under the same roof. No one ever teaches their children to love themselves and their future partner enough to get themselves squared away before pairing up. And, it’s no one’s fault.

But, now that you know, it IS your responsibility. Do NOT expect someone to love you unconditionally, warts and all. THAT is God’s job. There IS a condition to human love: I can accept you the way you are; but, if you want to be a jerk, you can do that waaaaaay over there! If you want someone to love you, be someone worth loving (become someone you would marry) and love your partner back as much as they love you–that’s called mutuality.

The most important thing, though, is to love yourself enough to get out of your comfort zone and away from those who feel too familiar, if your family was abusive, THIS is why the phrase, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” You keep repeating your family relationships with others, you and your partners will end up angry, bitter, and resentful. So, get out and get used to being around those who are different from your dysfunctional family, in a healthy way. Keep your trauma between you and your therapist. One learns best by listening and observing, anyway.

Oh, but stop listening to ‘gurus’ who tell you your perspective based upon your experiences is wrong, distorted, or too negative. You experienced some negative shit. This WILL cause you to see through a protective, self-preserving lens. You are NOT over-reactive, you are NOT delusional, you are NOT a liar. What you are is hyper-perceptive of things those who have not been traumatized cannot see. It’s there. It’s really there. And, in times of crisis this is a gift that can keep you and your loved ones safe. However, you do need to heal enough to be able to calm that ‘sonar’ down during peaceful times.