Navigating Family Resentment After a Father’s Death

Explore a heartfelt reflection on a father’s love, sibling resentment, and the struggle for respect in complex family dynamics.

The author reflects on their unique relationship with their father, noting the attention and love received due to their efforts and respect towards him. They acknowledge the resentment from siblings who feel entitled to similar treatment without exerting the same effort. Following their father’s death, the author faces isolation from their siblings’ true feelings, leading to a sense of abandonment as they prioritize their own well-being.

As Much as my Dad was Loved, that is how much I am Hated

…by everyone who wanted the same amount of attention he gave me.

Which daughter did he give and teach everything to first? Yes, I was first born…so, order of succession…

However,

Whose Girl Scout troop was he involved with, Treasurer of, DJ for?

Who did he go camping with when they were a child and when they were an adult?

Whom did he never prioritize the dogs over?

Who did he visit out of State and spend an entire week with?

Which adult child did he call to discuss problems with?

Which adult child did he share secrets with?

Which adult child did he ask for their opinion on anything?

Who could hurt him and disappoint him?

Who did he expect the most of?

Who never felt as though he were only patronizing them when sharing things with him?

Yeah, that was me. And, they know it. This is why they hate me. And, they hate me because they know I deserved every bit of how he treated me.

Why? Because I earned it.

I spoke to him in a calm, matter-of-fact way, always. I never told him I hated him when I was upset with him. I showed him respect, even when I disagreed with him and rebelled against him. And, I strove to reach my potential, master all of my inborn skills and talents, and pushed myself outside of my comfort zone to learn and acquire even more skills.

This is what he, as a good father, wanted for all of his children. I am the one who fully stepped up to the challenge.

So, while they may be angry and resentful that I was shown love and respect as well as receiving a good deal of his time and attention, what they are most angry and resentful about is that I deserved all of it.

In actuality, they are angry with themselves for failing to do as I did and feeling entitled to receive, without the effort, what I earned and received. And, they are projecting that self-loathing onto me—the one my mother chose to be the family scapegoat to blame all of their failings on.

When my dad passed away, all of the fake kindness my siblings showed me disappeared. All we are left with now are their true feelings toward me.

And, it sucks; because, had they showed me some genuine kindness, especially now when my health is deteriorating, I would have continued to give them the time, attention, assistance, and moral support I had given them all along.

Unfortunately, I no longer have the strength to keep dragging others up the mountain; especially when, they have no desire to leave the pits. So, I let go and let them all roll back downhill.

I will keep climbing, Dad.