Polyvagal Theory

Navigating Trauma: Finding Safety Amidst Health Struggles

The author feels trapped in a cycle of trauma without a safe space, worsened by past abusive relationships and medical experiences. Living with an abuser and facing serious health issues, they struggle to heal. Despite exploring therapeutic techniques, physical limitations hinder progress, leading to a bleak outlook on their future and coping with trauma.

Well, I’m pretty much screwed. The foundation of trauma healing is to feel safe in my environment. I cannot RE-create the feeling of a safe space; because, I’ve never had one. The closest I’ve ever felt that was when, for the first time in my life, I lived alone and for that short time my health was still fair.

ALL of my relationships were abusive to varying degrees. Everything triggers flashbacks of the worst of the abuses. This includes experiences with medical and mental health practitioners. So now, there is absolutely no one I trust and no one I can risk trusting.

Now because of my life-threatening health issues and being incapable of fully taking care of myself, I live with one of the two last people left in my life—one of my abusers whom I have no trust in. So beyond figuratively feeling unsafe, I literally feel unsafe.

So, I look deeper into Polyvagal Theory to see about ‘tricking’ my mind and body into safe mode through mental and physical exercises. The physical exercises are out due to my disabilities and disabling diagnoses. The mental exercises are of no use without being able to do the accompanying breathing exercises; because, I have several lung conditions: bronchiectasis, moderate pulmonary fibrosis, asthma, and the kicker—disseminated fusariosis with primary lung involvement.

There is no hope of a cure from my lung conditions after having received a formal dismissal letter from the entire Kansas University Physicians Network and, subsequently, being turned away by three other hospital networks. Even though I’ve moved to another State, I am too terrified of further rejection, by those who are supposed to help, to even try again. This is especially true after having been abused during an inpatient mental health stay I was bullied into only a month and a half ago.

I am too physically disabled and majorly depressed to be consistent with what I must do to heal my lungs on my own. And, there are no viable prospects of receiving help from anyone other than me.

I have looked at the entire situation as objectively I can and I have come to the conclusion:

There is no hope for me with regards to healing. I supposed the next thing to do is to turn my gaze toward ‘how to manage what’s left of my life as a permanently traumatized human’.