Challenging Gender Ideology: A Personal Discussion

In this digital age, many individuals are freely dispensing advice on how to define oneself. But how many of them actually follow their own words?

I had intended to write an essay discussing gender ideology and the backlash against it. However, my opinions on both sides may be considered controversial. Here are the main points I wanted to put forward:

• Communities and groups often attract those who are lost, lonely, and lacking a sense of connection. (See The Science Behind Loneliness and Why it is Important to be Connected by The Iowa Community Health Collaborative)
• One’s gender, sexual orientation, and diagnoses do not define their true identity. (See this article entitled Basics of Identity by Shahram Heshmat Ph.D., Science of Choice)
• Any dysphoria or other “ia” labelled condition is simply a dissatisfaction that has reached a distressing level – in other words, a sign of mental illness. (See Mental illness, psychiatric disorder or psychological problem. What should we call mental distress? by Nick Haslam, Professor of Psychology, The University of Melbourne and Naomi Baes, Researcher – Social Psychology/ Natural Language Processing, The University of Melbourne)
• Affirming any diagnosis, whether by oneself or others, only traps a person in that label with little hope for improvement. (See You Are Not Your Diagnosis byJohn M. Grohol, Psy.D.) Accepting and affirming are two different things. To affirm is permanent. Acceptance is mutable–capable of revision based upon ever changing circumstances. (See You Are Not Your Diagnosis by Kimberly Nelson, MA with Courtney Kelly)
• Those closest to us may use our struggles to absolve themselves of any responsibility (See How Does Someone Become a Family’s “Identified Patient”? by Annie Wright LMFT) or to gain attention and praise for their so-called support. (See Virtue Signaling: When People Try to Show Their Goodness by Itamar Shatz, PhD)
• Society, including dysfunctional families, the mental health and medical systems, as well as political groups, benefit from maintaining individuals with diagnoses as long-term patients, rather than seeking a cure. (See How America’s healthcare system will keep you sick by Natasha Deonarain, MD, MBA) They do not have the individual’s best interests at heart; rather, they exploit the illness for their own gain, even to the point of the individual’s demise. (See The Identified Patient: Signs & Recovery by MedCircle)
• By choosing to embrace these unconventional beliefs, one may find themselves ostracized and mistreated by others.

It takes great strength to defy societal norms and embrace our true selves.

Initially, I planned to provide personal examples for each point. However, even writing this has taken an emotional toll on me. I am well aware that my words may fall on deaf ears – after all, who am I? But the truth remains: most people are content with staying stagnant and do not strive to better themselves or their lives. They only want to improve the quality of staying exactly where they are.

It is not my responsibility to enlighten anyone. Attempting to do so is exhausting and often feels futile. Those who possess intelligence, self-awareness, and unwavering determination to become their best selves will understand the truth behind these bullet points. And for those genuinely curious about my story, my contact information is not hard to find.

It was suggested I give examples of personal experiences, anyway, to improve readers’ understanding and empathy. I will give a brief outline for now:

9-years old: first feelings of gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia after too much negative attention on my gender and body from my mother.

15-years old: limited my relationships to younger partners after a failed grooming attempt by an adult.

18-years old: lost my virginity to my husband on our wedding night.

22-years old: went from monogamous to promiscuous after being raped, cheated on, and, then, divorcing my husband.

23-years old: went back to monogamy after being dissatisfied with casual sex.

37-years old: became disillusioned with religious leaders who used their positions to try to coerce me into group sex situations.

39-years old: tried polyamory after separation from 2nd husband who treated me like his property.

40-years old: became celibate after being dissatisfied with the lack of respect in my polyamorous relationships.

41-years old: returned to monogamous relationships.

56-years old: swore off sex for good after losing two long-term friendships; because, I said no to sex with them after I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship.

All of my life, I have hated being in a body at all. I do not want to be in a female nor a male body. I’d actually rather be merged with the element of Air. To me, all bodily functions and fluids are and have always been distressingly disgusting. Although, I can appear and behave emotionally feminine, I lean mostly toward a masculine critical thinking process and sense of responsibility for myself and toward others.

This is the first time I have publicly shared all that is described in the previous paragraph. I have never made any of that anyone else’s problem. I have accepted this is unusual and is my own issue to deal with, to accept, and to find a way to tolerate.

Most importantly, none of that is my identity. None of it is WHO I am. Who I am is a multi-faceted, multi-talented, multi-skilled, empathetic, compassionate, and tolerant human being who values honesty and integrity. I learned to be empathetic, compassionate, and tolerant toward myself as a child; because, no one but my father and his mother ever gave me that. My dad, an Air Force Crew Chief, was often away for a year at a time. I rarely saw my grandma; because, we moved around a lot with my dad’s assignments. Still, I freely gave these things to everyone I knew and even to strangers I came across.

I still have empathy. I’m unable to shut that off. I can have compassion; but, it is now tempered with the belief that compassion should not let others off the hook of being accountable for their adult actions in the present. My tolerance of others has also shifted. People can be their ‘authentic selves’ all they want. However, if their behavior is misaligned with my core values, they can be themselves by themselves waaaaaaaaaay far away from me.

This new state of being for me has come after a lifetime of abuse and being taken advantage of by those I loved and trusted. That led me to a very angry, resentful, and bitter outlook. I am working diligently on lifting myself up out of this; but, I will hold onto the shift in how I offer compassion and tolerance in order to protect myself from ever being used and abused again.

And this, in my opinion, is how it should be–everyone, including me, taking personal responsibility for their own issues, accepting the ‘cards you were dealt’ by ‘your Creator’/the Universe/Nature and ‘playing them’ to the best of your ability, being an individual no matter how lonely the prospect, and always working on becoming your greatest version whether you’re supported in that endeavor or not.

Never let anyone make you feel that you are unworthy just as you are and that you need to conform to ANY ideology in order to be accepted. Conforming just to be accepted is to accept not being accepted; because, to conform is to keep your authentic self hidden.

And, never, ever limit your identity to one or two characteristics, traits, or preferences that you ‘dress up’. You are more than just one facet on a gem. You are all the facets. Polish it up by getting to know ALL of yourself–YOUR core values, YOUR preferences, YOUR talents, YOUR skills, YOUR dreams, YOUR passion, YOUR purpose, YOUR meaning. Keep only those things you’ve been taught or told, if it’s something you personally align with. Think long and hard. Contemplate, “Is this something I would have come up with for me, if I were my only teacher/influencer/peer? Do I want to be unique like everyone else or unique like me? Do I want to belong or be strong?”

Answer that for yourself, and then…Time for the REAL you to shine!