What ARE You?

From the time we are toddlers, we are asked by the adults around us, “What do you want to BE when you grow up?” My answer to that was always, “I want to be a MOMMY.” Even when different answers came out of my mouth as my interests grew and the adults tried to steer my direction as my skills grew, internally, my answer to that question remained the same. “I want to be a Mommy.”

As my adult mind looks back over my life for the reasons that was always my choice, I see there were many:

1. My own mother was REALLY BAD at it and I had a desire to do it better.
2. My father was a REALLY GOOD daddy and I wanted to be like him; but, girls can’t be daddies.
3. My father impressed upon me that it was MY job to be an example for EVERYONE.
4. From the age of 3, I was forced into a parental role for my siblings, who were all younger than me, compensating for what my mother lacked in the way of nurturing and had no interest in providing for us.
5. I just wanted to be loved for being loving…not for what I could do, not for what I knew, not for my talents, not for my skills, not for what I could give from outside of myself…just loved for being me.

I DID become a mommy. I had two children, who were my whole life. I loved them with everything I was, heart and soul. I nurtured their personalities, encouraged their dreams, celebrated their accomplishments. I gave them everything they needed and as much of what I could afford and was capable of giving them of what they wanted. And, I loved every minute of it! Even through their teenage rebellion, when they shouted at me how much they ‘hated’ me, I loved them and reminded them everyday with my words and with my actions born out of responsibility, dedication, and a sense of duty to them.

Unfortunately, it all came crumbling down. They hit midlife and saw how broken I was…broken by my mother, broken by my family of origin, broken by domestic violence, broken by betrayals, broken by the expectations the world held me to without offering any support.

This is what happens when you give your all, all the time, to everyone but yourself. People in your life take for granted your resourcefulness and resiliency in the face of any adversity. They assume your wellspring of giving will never run dry. They’ve watched you bounce back from everything life has thrown at you.

One day, something devastating happens and it affects you harder than it seems to have affected anyone else. And, that’s because, the shock-wave of this event cracked open the safe where you had stored all of your childhood, adolescent, and young adulthood traumas. You stored them; because, in childhood there was no adult to help you understand and process them, in your adolescence there were no adults who allowed you to receive any help to understand and process them, in your young adulthood there were no adults who felt safe enough to help you understand and process them. So, you locked them in a fireproof safe deep inside your psyche; because, there was nowhere else to put them…to keep yourself safe…and you had no tools to deconstruct them. The ‘safe’ kept you safe…until the shock-wave of the devastating event shattered the integrity of the safe and all of the traumas came flooding forth like the chaos from the proverbial Pandora’s box. And, this flood sent everyone around you running for the hills.

It’s been five years. You didn’t drown. And you’re finally beginning to tread water. Your head has finally surfaced and you’re beginning to breathe again. And, you find yourself alone in the middle of the sea made mostly of your own tears. You cry for help; but, no one hears you. And, occasionally the sea rages with your resentment at having been cast away by everyone you loved.

Now, you’re told by outsiders you must find new meaning in your life. And, you wonder, what could possibly have more meaning than your family, your children, and your grandchildren? You think, “These people must be insane, if they think my children and grandchildren can be replaced like units for sale on a store shelf.” Still, you give it a try; because, the ‘just think positive’ people tell you that you can create a ‘chosen’ family. But, they are WRONG. So, you’re told by ‘professionals’ to focus on what makes you happy. And, you just want to SCREAM! Your children and your grandchildren ARE what made you happy! There IS NOTHING better than that!

There have been so many times, since that devastating event, that you just wanted to die. And, you PRAYED for death. And, you TRIED to take your own life. Even your body developed life-threatening illnesses; but, the end never comes. You asked a psychiatrist, “Why?” And, you are told the Complex PTSD keeps your body in survival mode. When you intentionally overdosed and your body perceived the poisoning, it flooded itself with adrenaline to prevent your death.

The fact that, despite your prayers, despite the diseases that should have killed you, despite your own efforts, you cannot die really pisses you off. You just want relief from all of this physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual PAIN! And, no one understands; because, nobody hears.

You are now gathering more labels than you know what to do with…labels that do nothing to help, labels that cause more harm, labels that isolate you further. And, the constant battle to stay afloat is exhausting. Your ‘signal flares’ and ‘SOS broadcasts’ go ignored. You ‘wave the white flag’; but, there’s no one to surrender to.

The sea has turned into a barren desert. You are hungry. You are thirsty. The scorching heat is drying out your bones. You beg for a miracle…

Wait! Is that a mirage? In case it’s an oasis, you muster your last shred of strength and crawl toward it. As you get closer, the heat gives way to a warm breeze. The breeze surrounds you, caresses your skin, and whispers into your ear:

“Forget what you wanted to BE. What WERE you? THAT is the answer. THAT is the solution. THAT is and always was the meaning for your life.”

In that moment, I lost consciousness and fell into a dream. In that dream, I saw 3-year old me…HAPPY. As I observed her, I found she wasn’t happy ABOUT anything. She just WAS. She WAS happiness. What? Why? WHO was this child? WHO she was, was just a name. So, that was NOT the answer to the puzzle.

And, the wind suggested, “Just ASK her. ASK her what she is.”

So, I ASKED her, “What ARE you?”

She beamed the biggest smile and giggled the sweetest sound of glee. And, she pronounced, “I am IDEAS!”

“What? IDEAS? What do you MEAN you are IDEAS?”

“My sister and my friends love that I can make their ideas real. And, at any moment, when they have no ideas, I excite them with new ones they never thought of. AND, the grownups are impressed by my ability to do this, that it comes naturally to me. I AM IDEAS!”

She flashed the BIGGEST smile I had EVER seen! She absolutely RADIATED with confidence and self-appreciation! She KNEW what she was and what she was born for! She KNEW what her life was all about!

All of a sudden, a dark cloud appeared. It enveloped her. Her smile disappeared. Her radiance drastically dimmed. The excitement was gone as the cloud absorbed her knowing.

“NO!” I shouted. I dropped to my knees and began sobbing. HOW could this HAPPEN? WHY?!

That’s when she reached her hand out to me. She opened her clenched fist and, in her tiny palm was the tiniest sparkle. “Take it,” she said. “Take it and grow it. It will fix everything.”

As I held that tiniest of sparkles in my hand, I felt a warmth. It melted into my skin and began to radiate down to my fingertips and up my arm. The warm glow spread across my shoulders, down the other arm. It spread in all directions and filled my entire being. And, I felt a calm, a peace I’ve never felt before…and a KNOWING filled my soul. THIS…this is what I AM. THIS is my purpose. THIS is my MEANING. THIS is what I was born to do, to share…I AM IDEAS!

And, I WOKE UP…figuratively and literally. I woke up and I wrote this…

And, now, I’m excited and curious about where this will take me.

I have just one question for you, who is reading this…What ARE You?