Layers of Safety

I was born into an unsafe environment. A therapist of mine agreed I, also, inherited genetic ‘memory’ of trauma–Indigenous American Ancestors and what they dealt with, Grandparents going through the Great Depression, and my mother being sexually abused by her pedophile father from the time she was 9 years old. So, I have never felt safe and I have no idea how far back into past lives I’d have to go to find when I ever felt safe.

I was NEVER allowed to have ANY feelings. I was told I was over-reacting with ‘negative’ emotions and I was even told by my mother, “…I don’t need you being happy around here.”

This continues to this day. No one wants to experience my emotions. I continue to be told by EVERYONE–from close people to strangers–that I over-react. I was even told by my adult daughter, “When you’re excited about something, you just seem desperate.”

I am mostly mental according to your Energy quiz. I have always communicated with calm, rational, matter-of-fact, logical communication. I still feel and express my emotions, though. I have controlled them most of my life; but, after the family murder/suicide in 1/2019, I have been unable to control them.

I hate being angry; because, as a teenager I physically hurt people. So, I kept it under wraps. I hate crying; because, it is messy. And, because I was shamed and ridiculed for crying, I rarely ever cry. So, I fear the ‘flood gates’ opening; because, it’s super hard to shut them again.

Also, I have always been empathic. I hate it! I feel emotions that are NOT mine and, sometimes, it’s confusing; especially, when no one else is actually around. I used to call around to family members to find out who was the one actually having the feeling. Once I found out whose emotion I was feeling, I could immediately calm down. I have a hard time with crowds; most especially, shopping centers at Christmas time. It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year; however, the emotions running high in people are mostly anger and anxiety. So, I have to avoid crowds, unless the crowd is experiencing high positive emotions such as excitement or joy; i.e. concerts and the like.

That’s another thing. Since I have been DISALLOWED by my mother and others to feel joy, the ONLY way I can safely experience joy is through other people. So, family holidays, birthdays, weddings, etc. have been my favorite experiences. Just to feel the joy and see it on people’s faces gives me so much joy. And, now since my daughter has kicked me out of her life and the lives of my grandchildren, my main source of joy has been ripped away from me. I had one tiny bit left, until she told me in 12/2020 if I send anymore gifts, she will throw them in the garbage.

Everyone who has known me has been happiest with me when I was on several psychotropics at once that turned me into an emotionless zombie. This went on for most of my adult life.

I was titrated off all psychotropics by a psychiatrist in 2018-2019 right before the family murder/suicide occurred. I was abandoned by family and friends; because, I was no longer a zombie AND I was falling apart with HUGE emotions that I could NOT regulate despite having successfully gone through a year-long Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program.

So, no, I am NOT ALLOWED to be human and have human emotions. And, you are correct. My emotions manifest in my physical body through chronic disease. At the same time, I have never felt comfortable BEING in my body ever since I was a child. I ‘live’ in my ‘aura’ and in my ‘head’. Anytime I go into my body, it feels super uncomfortable. Two of my therapists think this is one symptom, among others I exhibit, that points to the high probability that I was sexually abused.

I began gaining weight after being put on psychotropics. I absolutely CANNOT be in my body anymore while I’m over-weight; because, it physically feels claustrophobic and causes me anxiety.

Because I’ve been disallowed to have emotions and because I’m uncomfortable in my body and mostly hanging out in my head, my mind is constantly spinning, over-thinking, ruminating, and second-guessing myself and everyone else. And, because, I also spend much of my time in my ‘aura’ I rarely feel grounded and have been told I am “blown about by every wind”. In other words, I change my mind all the time. I always considered that to be adaptability–to be able to change with any change in situations, my environment, and the people within them. In actuality, it has been an inability to stand up for myself, stand my ground, have boundaries, and put myself and my needs first.

I suppose, the only time I really feel safe is when I’m completely alone out in nature observing and experiencing the flora and fauna. I feel so calm, in fact, that the wildlife–birds, rabbits, squirrels, etc.–come up and sit within feet to inches of me, just checking me out and sitting with me for up to 10 minutes at a time. And, no, I bring no food for them.

When I’m out in nature, my favorite thing to do that calms me is to ‘merge’ with the wind, to feel it surround me, to caress my skin, to ‘whisper’ in my ear that everything is going to be ok, to be ‘lifted above the bounds of this world’ and feel completely free.

Aside from that, the thing that helps me best get regulated again, is to get back to my schedule I have for myself and to throw myself into some sort of productivity.

I have been unable to get back into therapy after the murder/suicide. I was told by 25 clinics in OR they were at their Medicare Panel limit. I was told the same by 5 clinics in NV. I found one therapist who would see me; but, fired herself 2 weeks in saying my family issues were too triggering for her. So, I moved back to KS and got my old therapist back that I had before moving to OR; only, her mother passed away and she retired. I moved back to NV and have had THE WORST experiences with the mental health system in my entire life, from being gaslighted by individual therapists to outright ABUSE by staff at inpatient psychiatric hospitals!

I have tried all manner of self-help from books to Self-authoring by Dr Jordan B Peterson to self-administered EMDR and everything in between I could get my hands on.

I recently found your Energy Healing program, Amanda, and am giving it a try.